


Faux Pas

by carzla



Category: Junjou Mistake, Junjou Romantica
Genre: Angst, M/M, POV First Person, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-10
Updated: 2012-01-10
Packaged: 2017-10-29 08:14:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/317702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carzla/pseuds/carzla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It no longer matters when it happened, because it had. The only thing that I cannot understand is how he – who can see through my actions and covers so easily – fails to notice that I… despite what I say, and how I act… care so much about him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Faux Pas

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2008, before the Junjou Mistake chapters came out completely.

**01**

Kaoru.

That was what I used to call him, a long, long time ago. Now, it’s become “Asahina”. It’s still his name, but it is his family name. It no longer feels as close as before… and I don’t like it.

No. I don’t hate it. I doubt I would ever truly hate anything about him. I just want to feel that sense of intimacy in using his given name again. Well, as much as how a petulant rich boy and his playmate-turned-caretaker had been anyway. But it was still more intimate… Much more than now, at least.

He still calls me “Ryuuichirou-sama”, though. That hasn’t changed. _He_ hasn’t changed all that much, really. He’s just a lot taller, more mature… The normal changes when one becomes an adult. Nothing’s truly changed… no?

Just… when did he stop smiling at me? Why doesn’t he smile at me anymore? I _want_ to see his smile… directed at _me_.

But perhaps even more than that, I want…

To know why it bothers me _so much_.

 **02**

It took awhile for me to realize, and even longer to admit, that I had fallen for him.

Honestly, I should’ve been clued in earlier. It explained why I always felt an inexplicable sense of quiet joy whenever I saw him, why I always felt embarrassed when he sometimes went out of his way to help me in one little thing or another, why I longed to see his smile again, why it irritated me so much that his smiles were always for my father and not for me, why I kept thinking about him, wondering if he’d returned to the house, wondering about what he was doing when I was away…

But perhaps, perhaps my very first clue should’ve been that morning, long, long ago, when I first set eyes on Asahina Kaoru, who was covered with bandages but still smiling innocently at my father… And I had thought to myself…

 _‘I want to protect him.’_

 **03**

He probably knows me better than anyone else. Even Haruhiko.

Haruhiko’s a good friend, yes. But he… just _doesn’t_ do sentimental or sympathetic. It’s just not really in him to be that way. Unless I was seriously, utterly, totally desperate and without other alternatives, I don’t think I’d go to him for advice on matters of the heart.

 _Him_ , on the other hand… Sure, we get onto each other’s nerves quite a bit, but I know that I can count on him for _anything._

Except… _this_.

…

No, I’m not going to bother Haruhiko yet.

I think.

 **04**

Idiot. I am _such_ an idiot.

Why did I let my mouth run off like that? Why? I didn’t want to say any of those words! I didn’t want him to leave. I want him to be by my side, forever and always. Even if he doesn’t see me more than just the person he works for and sort of grew up with as a playmate. Even if he continues to be happier when my father’s around. Even if…

He’s going to do it. I know he is. He can, and _will_ , follow instructions through until the very end. I don’t want him to. He _knows_ that I shoot my mouth off at inopportune moments. _He knows._ I’ve lost count of how many times he’s told me not to get overly agitated, less I don’t watch what I say. He knows me.

How can he be so perceptive, yet so unseeing at the same time?

Why can’t he see that I hadn’t been joking when I kissed him?

Why couldn’t he tell that I was being defensive and acting on impulse afterwards?

 _Why?_

It hurts. Damn it. But it’s all my own fault.

When… Just _when_ did everything decide to come crashing down on me?

 **05**

I haven’t been out of my room for three days. They’re all getting worried, I know.

I wonder if _he_ is.

I wonder why I’m still thinking about him. I’ve been telling myself not to, but it doesn’t work. He invades my thoughts even when he’s not around. Even in the privacy of my room, he’s still there somewhere. Every single spot, every single corner and crevice brings a memory with him in it. More often than not, it’s more than just one memory – there are dozens of them. There is no sanctuary for me, not even in sleep.

I can’t escape him.

But he can.

He _always_ does.


End file.
